03 May, 2009

The Barbie Syndrome

*Metro-Denver Barbies*

An ongoing discussion in this, the 50th year of Mattel's flagship doll's production, brought about this Denver specific line of the lanky blonde doll. This topic is actually making my teeth hurt as I grind away on my molars as I grind away on this post! I hope it will bring at least a smile if not a laugh or two.

Although the place names might not be familiar, you will probably recognize at least a couple of these Barbie characters from within your own metropolitan area.


"Cherry Hills Barbie"
This Princess Barbie is only sold at The Cherry Creek Mall. Comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, Lexus SUV, long-haired foreign dog named Honey and cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the silicone augmented version.

"Highlands Ranch Barbie"

Modern Day Homemaker Barbie is available with Ford WindStar Minivan and matching gym outfit. Gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Ken is a middle management CPA. Ken is on prozac or zoloft or a three-martini lunch diet.

"Aurora Barbie"

Recently Paroled Barbie comes with 9mm Glock handgun, Ray Lewis knife, lowrider Chevy with dark-tinted windows, and Meth Lab Kit. Model only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills). Aurora Ken has returned to East LA...for reasons uspecified.

"Centennial Barbie"

Yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, American Express card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Morrison Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, NASCAR T-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Accessories include six-pack of Bud Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set. Doll can spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet-Haired Ken's butt when drunk. Pickup truck sold separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free!

"The Lo-Do Lofts Barbie"
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available, as well as a warehouse conversion condo. Ken, where's Ken? Ken is off in New Mexico attending a Men's movement weekend. Ken is constantly in a crisis state. This year it is a sexual identity crisis.

"Commerce City Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Morrison Barbie's house. Ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home and '64 Chevy pickup with a bent trailer-hitch.

"Capitol Hill Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase her two Westport Barbies "friends" and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

"Northglenn Barbie"
This classic Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. She lives in a 80's brick cliff dwelling apartment complex. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Northglenn Barbie is now on full welfare and medicaid.

"Lakewood Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. Her family used to be Episcopalians. Now they are members of the Conservative LCA (Lutheran Church in America). We don't know where Ken is because he's always hunting or fishing. Skipper and her little brother are both star students in the Lutheran private school.

"Wash Park Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts. Does the phrase " Metrosexual, social hermaphrodite" mean anything to you? Go figure... I have not a clue!!!


  1. Thanks for the post Sven !

    Now....unclench your teeth and jaw.

    ha ha ha ha